Goodbye forever! It's off to Wordpress, where I've ill-advisedly started a workblog.

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Once again I've completely failed to post anything after promising to do so. This is probably because LIVEJOURNAL IS NOW RUBBISH. I'm with the COOL people on Twitter! @Al_Ewing if you want to see.

In stores TOMORROW - part six of Zombo! The most disturbing and dispiriting episode yet as me and The Henster ratchet the gore quotient up to one billion while mocking the very concept of love. NOW ALL BUY. And keep getting the prog regularly because Judge Dredd: Rehab is coming before too much longer...

DAMN YOU NORWAY. CURSE YOU AND ALL YOUR HIDEOUS SPAWN. Despite the disappointments of tonight, I've decided to review all of Eurovision this year based on YouTube videos of the performances on the night. No telling how long these vids will be up, so watch them while ye may!



LITHUANUA - Sasha Son with "Love". Dressing like a ska band does not help. Neither does giant keyboard made of light. Guest starring Hot Gossip or at least their hair which came from the Eighties via Time Tunnel. Some ground gained by FLAME OF HOPE at 3:30 yes GOBAMA etc. My final score: 4.



ISRAEL - Noa and Mira Awad with "There Must Be Another Way". Don't know what the translated lyrics are, presumably on the subject of PEACE. 'Milf Tatu' according to another commentator - note Barbarella-style telepathic sex at 1:36. Highlight of the piece involves both of them spending the middle eight banging away at some biscuit tins. Unmemorable. My final score: 4.



FRANCE - Patricia Kaas with "S'Il Fallait Le Faire". Guest starring The Woman In Black or some similar horrifying creature. Witch-like posture possibly caused by dress that will expose right boob if she straightens up. At 3:10 she begins the DANCE OF THE SPIDER QUEEN nooooo the woman in black must take her revenge! My final score: 2



SWEDEN - Malena Ernman with "La Voix". Guest starring Glinda the good witch of the north. All a bit British Airways. The first one to properly use the set, albeit only to turn it into a borg flagship. Her constant Joker-like grin and bugging eyes give the impression that she's out of her head on THE DUST. Still some vague Abba-esque quality to it, or possibly Steps. At 2:47 she surrounds herself with Martian Jewel Women as her voyage through space reaches its final destination thanks to British Spaceways. I sense space will be a theme in this contest which is EXCELLENT obv. My final score: 6



CROATIA - Igor Cukrov feat. Andrea with "Liljepa Tena". A gigolo. His lecherous grin will haunt my nightmares - see 1:04, 1:18, 1:39 and ESPECIALLY at 2:31 when he's joined by Andrea in virginal white DO YOU SEE and gives her the most lecherous grin of them all. The man's practically salivating on the stage LOCK HIM UP no-one is safe. Finally at 2:45 he turns his foetid attention to the viewer to beckon him or her in for I dread to think what. BAN THIS SICK FILTH. My final score: 5



PORTUGAL - Flor-De-Lis with "Todas As Ruas Do Amor". Aka 'Life' by Des'Ree brought to you live from Pixieland or possibly the inside of a Wham bar. Some colour very much appreciated after the unending blue and black vistas OH WAIT just as I was settling in at 2:54 it all becomes blue again presumably because Pepperland has been invaded. I'm getting the impression that blue is the default colour. Still, jolly enough and all very innocent after FILTH MAN. My final score: 6



ICELAND - Yohanna with "Is It True". Brought to you by the word SNEG. Disney's Alice In Wonderland sings a heartfelt song of the end of a relationship, for instance the relationship with your local bank manager. 'Falling out of a perfect dream' - 'is it true, is it over' - THIS IS ABOUT THE CREDIT CRUNCH. At 2:04 we get our first glimpse of the backing singers, the mythical trio the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone or in this case Maiden, Mother and Accountant, while at 1:57 a Space Dolphin appears to guide poor Yohanna towards calmer financial space waters. And it works! At 2:59, just at the most emotional part of the song when they're coming to repossess the jacuzzi, a new dawn of financial stability rises over the costly video monitors! Hooray! This song would have been a worthy winner for our times. My final score: 9



GREECE - Sakis Rouvas with "This Is Our Night". INSTANT TEN. Look at this man - nay, this God! 0:31 - the deadly art of SEX FU! 0:44 - the DIRTY CHICKEN! 1:02 - HYPER JUMP! I can't even describe what else he does but he has taken the title of BEST THERE IS AT WHAT HE DOES away from Wolverine tonight. There's weeping in Madripoor tonight, folks. Look at his hands! HE IS THE SORCEROR SUPREME! 1:45 - just when you thought the disco fever couldn't get any hotter - THE TRAVELATOR! 2:18 - now he defies GRAVITY ITSELF! 2:30 - BOOM! 2:32 - NIPPLES! I thought that shirt could not get more open BUT IT HAS! 2:51 - HE IS RIDING ON A GIANT STAPLER THIS MAN CAN EVEN MAKE OFFICE EQUIPMENT SEXY OMG. Inside the stapler is a GREEK FLAG. Eurovision is over, we can all go home or to iTunes to BUY THIS SONG because it is AMAZING. My final score: INFINITY yes INFINITY.

Jesus, is that the time? I'll be back with the rest at a later date - probably tomorrow in between work. The next batch will include the scary aging Russian video art, Bald Fool and Sexy Girl and Denmark's DISGRACEFUL CHEATING as they copy another band's work instead of doing their own.

ZOMBO IS HERE! In fact it was here last week and has been in the shops since Wednesday. If you want the first pulse-pounding episode, get quick like a bunny to the thrill-merchants and snag a copy of 2000AD - The Galazy's Greatest Comic - while you still can. On Wednesday it'll be replaced by episode two - and the thrills will keep on coming for six scrotnig weeks after that! NOW ALL BUY!

Join Or Die is a work by Justine Lai in which she paints herself having sex with every President in chronological order. My favourite is probably John Tyler, but it's a close-run thing.

Here's what people didn't get last time, now with added NEXT LINES (thankyew cis for the inspiration.) Mentions of the title in the lyrics now replaced with the titles of Richard Stark novels.

1. We havin' fun, THE MAN WITH THE GETAWAY FACE, we havin' fun, people carollin', it's Christmas mornin', we havin' fun, Santa bringin' gifts for everyone, we havin' fun, eatin' and drinkin' it's Christmas mornin'...
2. When I first saw your face, knew that I could not hesitate - you said "Baby, don't go too fast, if we do then it may not last."
5. I never fell in love so easily - when the four winds blow, I carry on. I'd like to take you where my spirit flies through the empty skies...
6. Looking back, I know I was walking around in disguise. Looking back, I was just a lost soul, I needed a guide.
7. Bist du allein, von allen Freunden verlassen. Dann geh' in die Stadt - PLUNDER SQUAD! "Downtown (German version)" by Petula Clark. Guessed by cis 
11. Don't know why I'm survivin' every lonely day, when there's got to be no chance for me. My life would end, and it doesn't matter how I cry, my tears of love are a waste of time.
13. Sometimes I watch you when you're sleeping. I wonder what you're feeling, both wide awake and dreaming.
16. I wanted to be with you alone and talk about the weather. But traditions I can trace against the child in your face won't escape my attention. "Head Over Heels" by Tears For Fears.  Guessed by lamuella 
17. What do you wear when you need to impress? Just slip into high heels and a brand new NOBODY RUNS FOREVER. "Little Black Dress" by West End Girls. Guessed by atommickbrane 
19. THE GREEN EAGLE SCORE. I scare people. Watch what happens when I walk up to somebody. (Eh-uh-eh-uh-eh-uh!) THE GREEN EAGLE SCORE. Waaaaaauuuuuggghh! "I'm A Mummy" by Bob McFadden AND DOR. Guessed by cis 

Well, since everyone else is doing this, let's do this again. 20 random tracks from my iPod, the first line of each written down, guess song and artist. Any mention of the title within the lyric itself will be replaced with the title of an old Denny O'Neill Batman story. Instrumentals will be skipped over.

1. We havin' fun, THE DEMON LIVES AGAIN, we havin' fun, people carollin', it's Christmas mornin'...
2. When I first saw your face, knew that I could not hesitate.
3. I am the DAUGHTER OF THE DEMON. You heard me right the first time, name of Bachelor Johnny Cool... "Big Shot" by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah band, as guessed by douglasnoble 
4. She packed my bags. Last night, pre flight. Zero Hour. Nine AM. Aaaaand I'm going to be... hhhhhigh... as a kite by then. (note: I've accurately transcribed the delivery to give people a clue as to who the artist is.) "Rocket Man", originally Elton John. Guessed by freakytigger although he didn't guess who hammed up this version. braisedbywolves correctly guessed William Shatner.
5. I never fell in love so easily - when the four winds blow, I carry on.
6. Looking back, I know I was walking around in disguise.
7. Bist du allein, von allen Freunden verlassen.
8. We took THE VENGEANCE VOW and drove it to the sea... "Your Daddy's Car", Divine Comedy. Guessed by barrysarll 
9. What is it in the nature of man that makes us hate and cheat and steal and kill? "Human Nature", Gary Clail. Guessed by freakytigger 
10. Jimmy Brown, made of stone, Charlie Clown, no way home. "Bring on the dancing horses", Echo And The Bunnymen. Guessed by freakytigger 
11. Don't know why I'm survivin' every lonely day, when there's got to be no chance for me.
12. Here am I in a lost and lonely part of town... "Tragedy" as performed by Steps! First correct cover guessed by freakytigger 
13. Sometimes I watch you when you're sleeping.
14. There are new forces in the world. A conflict between the generations. A powerful feeling that the American system is failing to deal with the real threats to life. "In Your Face" (guessed by carsmilesteve ) by 808 State (guess by freakytigger )
15. Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head. "Bigmouth Strikes Again", The Smiths. Guessed by barrysarll  although he didn't guess which band were doing it on my iPod.
16. I wanted to be with you alone and talk about the weather.
17. What do you wear when you need to impress?
18. Outside another yellow moon has punched a hole in the night-time mist. "Downtown Train", sung by Rod Stewart. Guessed by douglasnoble 
19. BRUCE WAYNE - REST IN PEACE. I scare people. Watch what happens when I walk up to somebody.
20. INTO THE DEN OF THE DEATH DEALERS, a crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube... (delivered in a maudlin tone alongside an accoustic guitar.) "Straight Outta Compton" as sung by Nina Gordon. Guessed by katstevens 

A couple of hints there. Actually a large number of those were cover versions, which makes me think that my love of hearing different versions of things may be spiralling out of control. Or is it that I can theoretically hear the originals at any time on the radio, which lends the covers an air of novelty, even though in practice I hear them more often? Anyway, for purposes of fun, assume it's the originals unless otherwise stated, but if you want to guess which are covers and who did them, feel free.


EDIT: Astonished nobody's guessed number 19 yet. It's an FT classic.

I finally get to do my disco Rogue!

Starting in September, Rogue Trooper returns, with me on script duties and Paul Nile - you might have seen his small-press comic 'Wart' at Hi-Ex - on art, and frankly amazing art too! This is going to be the most zarjaz character reboot since Strontium Dog came back - we've got total carte blanche from Tharg, and we're going to use it!

Obviously I can't talk about every aspect of this (I don't have time, I'm in an internet cafe) but I figured I could reveal a couple of things, like what we're doing with the biochip buddies. No more Helm, Bagman and Gunnar, and no Eightball, Lucky and Top either - we're going in a totally new direction, because frankly everybody's sick of the kind of boring 'future war' nonsense Rogue's been doing for eons.

The new Rogue is going to be the last member of a dojo of ronins based on the strange world of Nu-Japan, where the air is so charged with magical 'Mana' that breathing it transforms you into a killer mutant. The biochips no longer plug into his equipment - they now plug directly into his limbs to give him added martial arts power! There are four 'bio-chip buddies', one for each limb, and I can promise that you won't miss Gunnar or Helm when you're enjoying the astonishing character interaction between Lefty, Righto, Southpaw and Knuckles, all of whom have a different take on Rogue's obligations to his Sensei, Major Magnum-San, which can lead to trouble when, say, the different legs disagree about which way to go on the path to revenge on the Traitor Samurai General, whose master plot to deal Heroin X to the clone children of the South-Ninja Dojo School is what leads to the massacre that leaves Rogue as the last of the Genetic Ronins.

I can tell you're alreadty breathless with anticipation. Also, instead of 'Stak!' we're going to have 'Stuk!' which rhymes with 'fuck', so it's easier for readers to do the substitution in their heads.

Anyway, I'll have some character designs for you later from Paul, who's going in a pretty interesting direction with Rogue's hair. Bet you can't wait!

EDIT: April Fool!

Some people actually believed this, astonishingly.

Taking a break from the drudgery of moving house to float about on the interwebz - and find this gem courtesy of K. Gillen and Rock Paper Shotgun:



'Fresh Pop' seems to have coaxed some banalities out of the duo about what their song is 'about', but at the end of the day pop is about the listener and the bit that jumped out at me was the toothsome twosome's professed escape into Pop Star Style from a life of crushing mediocrity. That resonates for obvious reasons, so when the video eventually happens I get more of a kick out of the horus-like youths leaping modishly and wholebodiedly into some forbidden miasma of Style, Beauty and Desire than I do out of the pouting model in black and white who seems to be there to fill up space and provide some 'story', and some emo-esque diary quotes. Unfortunately the fresh faced young Tim utterly subverts this professed desire to be 'important' by his dazzling, spinning exuberance - he's recreated himself as a thing of total beauty and by God he knows it! Meanwhile his bandmate is too busy being the sharper, younger and more charismatic version of Billy Idol to have time for such maudlin activity as trudging around in black and white.

Note to self: be more stylish, at least during dance-based situations.